Get Up

Standard

IMG_2619-2

He held me down with chains of manipulation, counterfeit happiness that was actually an abyss of real heartache and pain.  But God exposes the ruler of darkness by breaking those ensnaring chains. I’ve been set free by the almighty King, and he’s the only antidote able to set captives free.

You like doing what you used to do in days passed. I see what the problem is; the veil of deception has you trapped in a dimension in which I was once trapped. It’s inconceivable to physically see; it’s a spiritual battle that wages against you and me. The person behind it all is playing tricks on you, just like he used to trick me. His schemes, plots and ploys have distorted your sight. This is why you can’t allow any positive thinking to invigorate you inside.
You won’t let others change, and it’s because it’s a reflection of how he has made you view yourself inwardly.   Your mind is stuck on listening to society’s echoing screams, “Change! You are unworthy of such a thing.” Society . . . yes. That’s his greatest manipulation tool. He’s even using some Christians to play you for the fool.
“Change! Ha! That’s not possible,” says the voice of lies. It says, “Have you looked at your past, it’s too LIFELESS TO BE REVIVED.” It’s not just you; there are a lot of people who are disintegrating, and they’re slowly dying inside believing such lies. Loud voices say you aren’t good enough because of your upbringing, skin tone and addictions you hide. He taunts you about what you’ve been through in your life. “Molested? Yea, don’t tell anyone; that’s dark and you’ll be judged. As if the inner torment from the lies wasn’t enough. I’m here to tell you, even through the times you’d rather die, My God can defeat the devil and says you’re beautiful inside. HIS WHISPERS REPEAT, “NO MATTER WHAT . . . YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE.”
“The filth and unpleasant things you’ve done and been through can be washed off and healed just follow me and ignore the devil who hopes to kill you.” I had to make a decision to get up and RISE . . . past shames are being cleansed inside out by the grace I found in Jesus Christ. He said, “Rise up out of that pit of mess. I have so much more to give you, and it’s not counterfeit. Get up and RISE, and put me to the test. I won’t fail you; I have a track record of unbroken promises.

Cheap Thrills and Dry Bones

Standard

IMG_0799

My conscience lives, and he’s always told me to stop chasing these cheap thrills . . . late nights and early mornings with guys I only wanted physically. I spent night after night with men, some I knew and some I was merely acquainted. There came a time when it truly started to wear on me. Love? No, I didn’t want that until my lustful thoughts and actions were no longer fulfilling to the ever growing void I never recognized I had. I didn’t understand why my soul grew more and more dry and brittle. You know, in church they preach that you should say no to sex before marriage, but the why is never explained. They tell you not to do it, and they act as if they don’t themselves. As damaging as it is, no one ever thinks to grab you by the hand to illustrate the emotional suicide.

I’m going to tell you a story in which I had the leading role. It’s started with my boyfriend at thirteen. He was all I wanted. We dated for a year, and I just knew he would be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. I was madly in love, and no one could tell me differently. We finally took the step I thought was needed. In no time, he left me for this blonde thing whom I thought was my friend; she lived down the street from me. The heartbreak was indescribable, and most people would say, “You’re thirteen, and you don’t know love at thirteen. You’ll be okay.” It was more than that, and I hold true to that to this day. After that, I began to view having sex as the norm. My parents didn’t know; I think perhaps they were naive. I had six partners by the time I was sixteen. That number skyrocketed as I made my way through college, but that’s when I rewired my mind to function like the guys. Let’s do it, no strings attached . . . that’s until there were situations in which I thought our night caps could become more. I would picture life with some of them, even though there was no substance. It was normally just based on a sexual high. The sexual high that clouds your mind from seeing anything clear is what makes you think you’re in love. Even if you no your love interest is a jerk. You lose your mind when you see him converse with someone who could potentially be the next you. It doesn’t help matters when you know he’s not officially yours.
It gets tricky when you spend time with the person outside of the bedroom. You begin to think it’s something more than just friends with benefits. You are certain it’s more than that. He tells you nice things and does things for you too. In your mind, you’re saying he wouldn’t do these things if he didn’t feel something too. Sad to say, he’s still in the mind frame of just smashing you. It’s rare that friends with benefits becomes more. It got to the point that my body wanted certain people in certain ways that once it was fulfilled, I just laid there in a daze feeling disgusted and torn. It was just cheap thrills and dry bones, but there had to be more to life.
I told myself that something had to change. One day in church, when someone spoke of dry bones, they were the perfect words to describe how I felt back then. He said, “I’m going to put breath in you, and make you live again (Ezekiel 37:5).” The love I yearned for wasn’t from a man and his sexual pleasures; it was God who waited patiently for me to wake up and see there is more to life than cheap thrills and dry bones. He held on to me for this long so very tightly. You may be in something similar. You can get through it; he’s just waiting for your hand.

Queen of Your Heart

Standard

IMG_9890Look at her wear that crown; she wears it high with pride. No, it didn’t come easily. She was once lost and broken inside. Her heart has been trampled all over; it’s been ripped completely out of her chest. Even worst, it was left untreated to the point where she was near death. Different men told her they loved her, but they always left. Understand, they never left right away. They took their time with putting her through pain and watching her decay. They explored her intelligence for their own self-gain; some didn’t do it purposely. They just didn’t know how to protect and cherish her royal name. They took her body . . . pleasing her in ways beyond belief, but that’s all they wanted, never taking time to delve deep. Intellectually and physically, she’d float on cloud nine until she was left for the umpteenth time. Every time she’d meet someone new, she’d say, “This is the one God. I know he’s given from you.” Desperate for love, falling quick and so fast, she fell for his charm putting her sense of worth last. She endured more heartache and repeated pain thinking she was the problem, so she kept the blame. Men have abused her and continued to use her. She settled for the guys who showed their interest, but they had no intended commitment. After a while, they wouldn’t pursue her; she was the pursuer. She did everything in her power to make them stay, settling for things she once thought she never would. She overlooked the bad qualities focused on the good, blind to the fact there were more bad than good.  When they would say, “Let’s take it slow,” it made her feel all warm inside. But what it meant to them was, “I want all you have to offer, but we will not have any public ties.” One day this Queen woke up and realized, she was tired of the same ole games and lies. She looked in the mirror with a torn and unrecognizable heart, she vowed, “I will play the Queen of Hearts.” She said, “I don’t feel like royalty, but I was told I am, so I’m going to walk in my God given name. You know, the Queen he said I am. I have to take back all I’ve lost. I’m the Queen of my heart, and I’ve left my throne unattended and my crown in the dust.” Queens, you must learn to play your part. There will be days you don’t feel like you deserve such a prestigious name because you may think less of yourself for various reasons. But listen my Queens, when you’re born into royalty, the blood runs through your veins. There’s nothing you can do to change that. So put your crown on, and sit high upon that throne. Guard your heart so no one else can taint and strip away all that you own. It’s precious and sacred; it’s what you need to live for the rest of your days. You are the Queen of your Heart. I’m begging you to take control and be the Queen you were born to be from the start.

Meaning behind Guard Your Heart Project

Standard

Hey guys. Want to know the meaning behind Guard Your Heart Project? Go check out My YouTube Video I recently uploaded. I`m giving you a very vulnerable, deep part of me in hopes to inspire and help others to #Guardtheirhearts .#GuardYourHeartProject #Guardyourmind #knowyourworth

Entangled

Standard

IMG_9193Pleasant smile, enticing physique -he takes notice of you during the moments you feel most weak. Long talks about life and him opening up to you make you not even think twice about if what he is saying is true; it all just sounds nice to you. Yearning for love and acceptance, you let him in. But you’ve been here before, so you try guarding yourself. You’re unable to win. Laughter fills the air, and jokes are non-stop. The little time you spend together has you trapped. Things between you two have gotten a little wild, and oh do you love it! It’s what killed your senses and style. You don’t even realize that you’re entangled in his repeated lies. He’s telling you everything you want to hear, but his actions are loud and clear. TIME … no you don’t get that because he knows no matter what, he can still hit that. You’re so entangled in what you want him to be to you that your heart’s being pierced, and it’s bleeding and turning black and blue. Entangled in him, you can’t seem to get  past how bad you want him; you think if you just keep loving him, he will turn into your personal McLovin. Wake up please. I beg of you. You need your heart to love someone that can truly love you. Entagled you are, your inner being is dying slowly inside … ENTANGLED, cut yourself lose. You’re the Queen of your heart, but you’ve become the servant that can no longer play such a prestigious part…

Love, heals the Broken

Standard

IMG_0052-2

She was in her own world; one in which she dreamed big and enjoyed life without many cares. Onlookers described her as wild and free. While her friends sought to be loved, she sought to love herself. “Boys, what can they do for me?” she repeated often. Time passed, and she began to grow up and desire the very love she vowed she didn’t need. She wanted her happily ever after, fairy tale love. She reasoned, “That’s what I’ve seen on TV; it’s what everyone else wants, so it must be real.” Soon she happens upon an attractive young man who expresses how taken he is by her beauty. He makes her speechless, so she can’t help but to let him in. With ease, she falls deeply for this man who shows nothing but attention. In time, he orchestrates a night of passion, initiated by sweet words in her ear of how dear she is to him and how he wants to marry her. He omits the fact that he wasn’t planning to stick around. Days and weeks pass, and their interactions lessen. After a couple more nightcaps, she craves the attention he gave in the beginning, but he announces that he’s found someone new, so she should move on. Depressed and broken with nowhere to turn, she’s now facing the big love day alone.

While some celebrate Valentine’s Day with a significant other, all googly eyed and in a daze, others endure painful memories of a love they thought would stay. Yearning for that companion, rekindling what has passed is all they seek. The dejected lover only ends up alone, or in a place where smiles and laughter fill his/her news feed but the death of their love story becomes more real and painful. The pain one faces isn’t always something the world get to see; some do very well at putting on a facade. For this reason, I say take someone by the hand, and let them know they aren’t alone by simply showing a gesture that reminds them that hope for love is not completely gone. The pain one endures could be healed by just a moment of your time, so don’t miss out on the blessing that you can provide. Choose to love others on a day such as this and others like it.

Hidden Scars

Standard

IMG_9339-2She stops to take a look at herself in the mirror. This moment is different from all the rest. It’s not about making sure her hair is straight or her hips look good in her dress. It’s a moment she takes to look herself in the eyes. As she stands there, her sight becomes blurred, and tears begin to stream down her face. For the first time in years, she’s taken time for something she’s avoided for so very long. She’s recognizing the hidden scars she’s acquired from self-inflicted pain and other forms of abuse. She stands there in a daze trying to get herself together, attempting to recreate her superficial appearance – the only side of her people know. She stands there faced with the sorrow of her soul. She was ready to walk out the door, a night similar to the rest, all dolled up looking her best. A pretty woman, she flaunts a natural beauty and a body that turns heads. Men and women chase after her with sexual thoughts and cravings which only lead to the bed. Intelligence is something she possesses, but she’s to worried about pleasing others by her fleshly poses. Gaining the attention of others comes easy, that’s what she lives for. Not realizing that’s why she’s still empty on the inside of her core. Everyone seems to think she’s got it all, but many don’t realize she’s as fragile as a glass doll. The hidden scars she’s covered up for so long, never allowing them to heal from within. Jumping from guy to guy and sometimes even girls, she’s on a people binge. She hates being alone. She’s looking for a love that many fail to realize isn’t real. Trying to cure the pain with things that only make it worse … late night dancing and sexual romancing. It makes it all go away for only a moment. It’s on to the next to cover up the last. It felt so good in the moments that just passed. Playing it cool as if she’s got it under control, but it hits her every time when they get dressed and roll. Left there bare, no clothes on, the last one told her he loved her but not enough to leave his wife. Facing all these thoughts as she’s looking in the mirror, the pain is getting deeper and deeper; it’s starting to strangle her. Reaching for anything in arms length, not realizing that’s the very thing that has brought her to this state. She’s blue in the face fighting hard to catch her breath, but the air that surrounds her is toxic and leads to death. In these moments, her life flashes before her eyes. She’s realizing that if she continues down this path, she’ll experience an internal demise. She’s trying to live the external life, the life many want to live. Wanting to be noticed is the norm, but many do it in a way that brings lasting harm. It’s so enticing; it pulls us in, until we realize it’s nothing more than an illusion that damages within. She’s so tired of being who she’s not. Attention from others gets old when you realize you’re actually alone. Hidden scars, we all have them. Covering them up will make you die too; it’s only a matter of time before those evil demons start to confront you.

“Waiting to blossom”

Standard

Image

 

Have you ever been in a dark place; a place where every second you’re gasping for air, trying to reach for anything that’s in arms length to save you? You cautiously say to yourself, “Things can’t get any worse”, knowing inside they actually could, so you attempt to stray away from such thinking. You’re in a constant battle with your mind saying it’s going to get to better, while in real time you’re only seeing it get worse. Your internal thoughts continue running rampant leading you to a directionless place. You feel as though your life has some type of meaning, but those thoughts are quickly fading away; the hope you once had is nearly gone. I’ve been there before. I’ve been there quite a few times. My world was tumbling down, and I couldn’t stop it. It’s as if you’re dying alive. You know how you’re consciously there, but the inside of you is deteriorating? Even in the darkest and saddest places, there’s a hope that can be reborn.  My boyfriend asked me the other day, “Ever wonder why we bring flowers to a grave sight? We don’t bring them for our loved ones do we?” That really made me think. Why do we do it? I know you may be saying it’s in remembrance of them, but does that actually make sense when you think of it logically? I believe it actually brings us a sense of hope, an unexplainable hope. I say that to say, many things in life we encounter don’t make sense. I believe it’s not always supposed to, to us. That dark place you feel completely helpless in has hope that’s waiting to blossom.

“Past ablaze”

Standard

I never threw away things of sentimental value. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I stored everything in its own personal compartment. That’s how I became bad at letting go. Throughout my life, I’ve learned to be an independent, strong, hard-working woman, which many of us learn. The process of learning to be this way can leave us emotionally disabled. What I mean by that is, we don’t take the time to deal with our emotions and problems correctly. I never took a second to analyze myself, to really stop, sit down and think about what I wanted out of life and what life wanted out of me, the same life that can suck you dry if you let it. When you’re a person who stores all your emotions, thoughts and memories in your little ole head, there comes a point where you implode or explode. I’ve contained so many thoughts and emotions in my mind that it began to tear me apart. Ten months later into a new relationship, when things aren’t quite as fresh as they were in the beginning, emotions I had no idea I had began to surface. When these uncontrolled, bottled up emotions, thoughts and memories began to spill over, I realized I had a problem. My problem was being bad at letting go. I had many great memories that had a lot of tragic endings. I had no idea my inner woman was harboring so many things. I was so good at being strong and pressing on, I wasn’t aware I had this problem until I became overwhelmed, and depressed. I was lost; I truly did not know how to handle certain thoughts and feelings. I kept replaying it in my mind, and I realized I had to face the very thing I thought I was over – my past. At this point, I wanted answers to all the questions I accumulated over time. I wanted an understanding of why things happened the way they did and what I could have done for the outcome to be different. Deep, deep down a part of me wanted and hoped that the fairytale ending would eventually happen. I would constantly pray my way through these thoughts and feelings asking God to help me. Help me to stop feeling this way, and help me to not be so confused. Reality finally hit me, and God spoke to me telling me to let go. Let go, and stop holding on so tightly to the very things which kept me in emotional bondage. I was to stop seeking answers I’m never going to get or fully understand. Sometimes, in order to move on, you have to let go no matter how difficult it is to do. I’ve come to the realization that some memories aren’t meant to be held in such a high place in your life. You have to let go of the emotional ties of your past so your future has a chance to give you the very things you desire. I’ve learned being weak or vulnerable isn’t easy, but it sometimes allows you to start the healing process. Harboring how you feel won’t ever relieve you from your past. In order to start that process, you have to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean trying to forget about it and moving on. It means opening up about it, sharing it with someone, releasing it. I know it’s not easy, but it’s worth and it will help!

“Love Freely”

Image

I desire to love, and I desire to love hard. I believe many of us desire such. I believe women were created to love to some of the highest extremes. I also believe we were created to love with boundaries. I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “she just said the most contridicting statement ever in those last two sentences. How can we be created to love to varying extremes but love with boundaries too?” By the time you finish reading this, you’ll understand what I mean. In truth, many of us desperately desire to be in a fairy tale love story much like those we see and hear about in fictional stories and occasionally in real life. If you say you don’t, STOP lying to yourself. We as women want a man to love us and take care of us the way we’ve been taught they should. I know, I know, the “independent” women are saying, “ I DON’T NEED A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME.” Yes you do; it may not be financially but in some other way. It’s a reality we have to face. It took me some time to realize it myself. Of course, there are some women who are really okay being single, and that’s fine and well. But for the ones who aren’t okay, you agree with what I’m saying, right? The problem I see that we have is we tend to “love freely.” The first guy to cross our path and show us even the slightest attention, we’re ready to hand him our heart. We’re ready to jump in head first. “Girl he is fine”, “He ain’t never been married”, “He got a nice job”, ect. You know the basics. He fills that fairy tale love story you want so badly. Then as time goes by, you see he has a temper, you may have different religious beliefs, or he`s got a shady background that he never decided to mention. Things start to really evolve, things you aren’t all that okay with. But you’ve told all your friends and family about him. You made things public on social networks. Now you sit and wonder how this happened; how was I so foolish. Now you’re left with a broken heart because you “loved freely”. You gave all your love to this man. This is where the boundaries could’ve prevented some heartache. I’m sure I can speak for many women when saying taking it slow is not something we normally think of until after all the disasters happen, sometimes not even then. I’ve had my heart broken several times. One particular time, it was exactly as I explained. I’d just split up from my ex, and I was so broken and hurt when this new guy happened to come around at the perfect time. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and I believed it; yup, I fell for it. There were red flags, but I still dove in head first. I was done with getting my heart broken, and I just knew he was the one. Well, I convinced myself he was. I thought he was the one because I desperately wanted to believe everything he said. There were things that didn’t make sense, but I didn’t care. I would deal with them later is what I told myself. The attention was there, and that was all I felt I needed. The sexual intimacy blinded every one of the senses I possibly had. That’s until I got pregnant, and all the attention left. All I became good for to him was the sexual pleasures. It’s as if he walked by and I literally handed him my heart, an already broken heart, and he continued on his way. I loved freely, and I got pregnant three months later by a man I never actually knew. I would try to force him to want to be around and spend time, but after months of trying, I realized nothing I did or said would work. True colors began to show themselves, and the harsh thing called life became reality. I finally had to face the hardest thing ever, myself!

I now faced a person I didn’t know in facing myself. I was 24-years-old with a second child on the way, another child out of wedlock. I was going to have two children by two different guys. I felt so ashamed and unworthy. I was in my career field living on my own. I had only just recently begun to stand on my own two feet, and suddenly I have to start all over. I wanted badly for this to be a dream. I was depressed as I tried to figure out how I was going to get through this, let alone tell people. I felt I let everyone down; what would they think of me now? The truth was out that the woman I tried so hard to be failed. I was striving to live for Christ, and I was honestly striving to live the “right” way. But then this disaster happened. How would anyone be able to hear from me now? How would the people who looked up to me feel? Deep hatred began to fill my heart. I was still in denial, asking God is this real? I didn’t want to have a baby. I silently wished I’d have a miscarriage. For me, abortion wasn’t an option. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Why am I here, alone, pregnant? Why am I pregnant by a man that I don’t even know, and why has he abandoned me? These were are all the questions I constantly overwhelmed myself with. I knew I couldn’t blame God for what had happened, but I did want God to take it all away and fix it. Little did I know, he was doing just that. Through this ongoing battle I had with myself, I realized my life was changing for the better just in a very uncomfortable way. I was 24 finally figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be. Many of us feel we know who we are and what we want in life until life hits us with a ton of bricks and we’re actually forced to face it. When we’re ready to face it and face it wholeheartedly, without trying to suppress it and hide it like we normally do, that’s when life slowly starts to become clear. I slowly started seeing the inner demons I never dealt with, and that’s given me the chance to take a new approach to the very things that kept knocking me down. If I didn’t learn anything else, I learned that when you “love freely”, you pay a higher interest rate, one that seems pretty unbearable at times. A man can’t cherish your heart if you yourself don’t know how to. Put a price on your love! YOU’RE WORTH IT! DON’T “love freely”!
#GuardYourHeart